Madam, you should be barred from ever stepping in a movie theater.

My wife and I decided to go to the movie theater last night. We had been wanting to see the film The Artist for awhile, so we agreed on that one. We met at the Laemmle NoHo 7, a theater that just opened up in our neighborhood.




In case you are not aware, The Artist is a SILENT FILM. It's an homage to the early days of film and the transition into "talkies." I highly recommend it. If you haven't seen it, there is a spoiler that I've marked with a warning, so be advised.

After grabbing our seats, an older couple came in and sat down behind us. The lights went down and the movie started. For the next hour and forty minutes, my wife and I were subjected to the random outbursts from the woman behind us who reacted to the film as though she had never seen a movie before. Perhaps she thought these events were actually unfolding in front of her. Maybe she blacked out and thought she was in her living room. Either way, she had no business being at that screening.

I'm sure all of you have been at a screening at one time or another where some asshole just couldn't keep quiet. You can't imagine how much worse it is when its a SILENT FILM AND 100% OF THE FILM IS QUIET.

Every comment that came out of your mouth echoed throughout the silent theater:

1. I didn't need to hear every time you approved of how cute the dog was.

2. I didn't need to hear you tell your husband to "LOOK AT THE DOG!" Was your husband looking at the floor the whole time?

3. I didn't need to hear that you recognized that actor as the guy who played "Dawber" from Coach.

4. I didn't need you to narrate what was currently happening on screen. I was watching the same film you were. "Oh he's dancing" "Hey, they're back at the studio" "That's the guy who was in the other scene." "Hey, her mole."

5. I certainly didn't need to hear you speculate what was about to happen, and then be pleased when you were correct.

*BEGIN SPOILER* For all of you who've seen the movie, do you recall the scene where George wakes up in Peppy's house? He gets up for a moment, and then his dog takes off. The idiotic wench behind us loudly proclaims to her husband "Oh the dog is going to find all the stuff she bought!". *END SPOILER*

You know what? Thank you. I would rather have someone constantly telling me whats going to happen in a movie instead of actually enjoying seeing it unfold. Its a much better way to experience the movie. I wish I could bring you to comment on all the movies we go and see. Perhaps you could have told me Kevin Spacey was Keyser Soze before The Usual Suspects revealed it. I would not have had to sit through the whole movie. You are correct, movies take way to long to get to the point. I'm glad you were there reveal what was going to happen next, because I could not have waited the extra minute to have the story present it to me instead. It didn't say it on my ticket, but I'm sure Director Michel Hazanivicius intended for this to be an "audience interaction" style film.

I appreciate the intuitiveness you chose to share with me last night and I hope you were mauled by rabid dog on the way home. You know, like a Bullmastiff, where the owners had left town and kept him locked up and forgotten about him. He hadn't eaten for days and finally gathered the strength to dig under the fence. He's kind of lost his mind with hunger and doesn't remember the kindness of human contact and then he sees you walking down the sidewalk after leaving the theater. Yes, that's the kind I'm talking about.

If you survived the mauling, watch your movies at home and the public will thank you for it.

Actual Taglines From Chuck Norris Movies

You cannot deny the brilliance of a Chuck Norris Movie. He's had a resurgence as a pop culture subject in every form possible lately so I thought it would be fun to look back at some of the great taglines of his many action films. Here they are in all their glory:

Chuck Norris explodes across the screen!    

A town without justice. A hero without fear  

Don't Muck Around With An 18 Wheel Trucker. 

A Bean Store Dolly and  Million Miler...They Had an 18 Wheeler...And A Grudge.  

The C.I.A can't afford John T. Booker...alive.  

He hears the silence. He sees the darkness. Only he can stop the killing 

In a world of choices, for one man there is no choice...he must face THE OCTAGON 

Chuck Norris is Scott James, who must face the Ninja, the unholy masters of terror in... The Octagon 

The Ninja, unholy masters of terror. No one will admit they still exist. 

Only one man can stop them 

Chuck Norris doesn't need a weapon... he is a weapon! 

What makes an ex-cop take the law in his own hands? 

He's an indestructible man fused with powers beyond comprehension. An unstoppable terror who in one final showdown, will push Chuck Norris to his limits. And beyond.

Martial Arts Master Versus Superhuman Killing Machine! 

Science created him. Now Chuck Norris must destroy him. 

A walking weapon that never misses! 

The "Mad Dog" Criminal...The "Lone Wolf" Lawman...The Ultimate Showdown

Chuck Norris is Lone Wolf McQuade. David Carradine is the man that got in his way. When Norris meets Carradine all hell breaks loose! 

The war's not over until the last man comes home 

Chuck Norris is back! A one-man time bomb set to explode! 

A prisoner too strong to hold. A soldier too dangerous to let go. 

Eddie Cusack's a good cop having a very bad day.

The toughest cop in the world...just got tougher.

America wasn't ready... but HE was! 

They don't negotiate with terrorists...they blow them away!

A pair of down-and-out fortune hunters cash in on high adventure!

Heroes hit hardest.

Norris and the force are back.

He's so far undercover he may never get back.

A dreamer and a champion. An unbeatable team...Until his hero stepped out of his fantasies to fight at his side.

Mess with this Chicago cop and there's hell to pay.

A Chicago cop is about to face his worst nightmare... Only this time it's real...

One's tough... One's smart... Together they unleash explosive action!

They're licensed for action!

A mythical warrior and a group of adventurous kids must battle the odds to save the wilderness.

A magical mountain... A mysterious legend... A story of courage... Against all odds.

No mission is impossible.

Terrorism just met its worst enemy.

Tragic Ends To Some Of My Childhood Memories

This post is a bit of  depressing one. I was looking back at some of the films I loved as a kid and discovered many tragic tales associated with the stars of many of them. Here are a few that stand out that were not highly publicized.

Savannah Smiles - 1982

  This was one of my little sister's favorite movies as a a child. She was usually watching this or The Sound of Music constantly. I sat down at some point and watched it with her. I got pulled in and I've been a fan ever since. It's the feel-good child abduction film of the decade. For anyone who remembers it, I lose it when Savannah waves goodbye to Bootsie and Alvie. Bootsie says "I hope no one tells her we were bad guys" and Alvie replies calmly "It won't make no difference."

 It's an incredibly sappy film but who cares, I love it. I still have The Wild Bunch at the other end of the spectrum to balance it out. 

      The very sad thing I discovered is that Bridgette Anderson, the actress who plays Savannah, died of a drug and alcohol overdose in 1997 at the age of 21.  To imagine someone who represented the a great example of the joys of imagination and childhood innocence go down such a horrific path is depressing. If she had just listened to this song, perhaps things would have turned out differently. 

The Land Before Time - 1988

I went nuts for this movie after seeing it at the Laurel, MS $1 theater. I had the Pizza Hut puppets and then later the VHS. My favorite character was Ducky, the little Parasaurolophus.  Every animated film has to have the cute character with the catch phrase that every child across the country mimics. If you don't remember it, I'm not saying it here, Nope, nope, nope.

The very sad thing I found out in college (after watching the film yet again) was that Judith Barsi, the voice of Ducky, was killed along with her mother by her father. Pretty damn horrifying story if you choose to read about it. Judith had finished voice-over for one last film, All Dogs Go To Heaven, which was released after her death. 

The Monster Squad - 1987

Obviously in my top 5 movies of the 80's. I was overjoyed when it finally came out on DVD. They did a screening here in Los Angeles not too long ago and I got to hear director Fred Dekker come out and talk about it. I admit, it feels a lot like The Goonies. I never cared as a kid and I was saddened when Take Two Video's copy broke and they didn't get a new one. 

   Everyone's favorite Monster Squad member was Fat Kid a.ka. Horace. He's responsible for uttering the two most famous lines from the film:

          

And who could forget..

   Everyone likes to see the underdog kick ass by the end of the film. Sadly, tragedy strikes again. Brent Chalem, the actor who played Horace, died of pneumonia at the age of 22. I'm sure he would have enjoyed the cult following his work has garnered over the years. A shame indeed.

Stephen King's It - 1990 (TV)

 Terrifying TV movie I watched with my Dad back in 1990. Its still creepy to this day and I read that its being remade (that an issue I'll tackle another day). Jonathan Brandis made his big breakthrough in this one and became a huge success as a child star. He graced the covers of both Beats (Tiger and Teen). He starred in a number of other semi-successful vehicles over the years and found himself where all child stars end up, adulthood. He popped up in a few decent supporting roles in Ride With The Devil and Outside Providence towards the end of his career. Sadly at 27, he hung himself in his apartment. I think he would have done well continuing to play edgier roles and leaving his teen idol status behind. It's shame we never got to see it. 

        Now that I've depressed all of you, use this to pick up your spirits.

The Cinematic Legacy of 1980s John Lithgow

Whenever I think of my movie-crammed childhood, I always come back to John Lithgow. He was in so many damn classic 80s' movies. As a kid, he was just "that guy who was in that other movie." I wore out many of his video tapes from Buck-A-Day Video. Here's a few classics.

1983 - Twilight Zone: The Movie

 (My favorite was always the bulging eyes at the 4:20 mark)

  The first time I saw this movie was on HBO at some point in the late 80s'. I came in about more than halfway through and the first image I saw was this one:

Now that sleepless nights were unavoidable, I had to keep watching. I then came upon the fourth segment of the film starring Lithgow. I remember sharing in the complete dread of the situation. I've seen the original Twilight Zone episode on which its based and it isn't nearly as frightening. His progression into madness is amazing to watch because you see it both in his acting and his appearance. On every flight I'm on, I still look out at the wing to check, you know, just to make sure. 

1983 - The Day After

    

Ok, this was a TV movie, but I still count it. I watched it at some point when they ran it on television again. As a kid, I just wanted it to get to the part where the bombs go off. Lithgow doesn't appear until over an hour in as a college professor. Anytime I saw him as a professor or scientist, I always bought it. Kind of like James Cromwell always playing a politician. Lithgow  keeps a check on the radiation levels from the college and tries to communicate with the U.S. from a radio. He even gets the very unsettling final line of the film.

1984 Feb. 17th - Footloose

 It took me a long time to give this movie a chance. I only knew it as the movie the girls were swooning over while we guys were trying to figure which Goonie we were most like. I finally watched it one day and sure its cheesy, but it was the 80s, you could get away with it. John Lithgow is what you would consider the film's villain. The interesting thing about the film and Lithgow is that it would have been so easy to play his "reverend who bans rock music and dancing" as the atypical villain. Usually in films, the ultra conservative character is played in a more vile fashion with no sympathy. Most of your 80s' villains were very one-sided and they never learned anything and then someone threw them off a cliff. 

     Lithgow plays Rev. Shaw Moore as man so tortured by his past that he's unaware of the drastic nature of his solution. Before watching, I imagined I was going to hate his character. He ends up learning a valuable lesson by the end, without all the sap.

1984- August 14th - The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension

  I'll be the first to admit, this movie isn't for everybody. It's very bizarre and at times a little slow. I caught it on cable because it was science fiction and I had to see everything the genre had to offer. Lithgow reveals some of his comic brilliance we would see in many later films. He hams up every one of his scenes, in a good way mind you. You can tell he's having a lot of fun on this set this day. He essentially plays two different characters, Dr. Emilio Lizardo and Lord John Whorfin (the first is possessed by the other). The signature Lithgow yell is heard often in this one.

1984 - Dec 7th - 2010: The Year We Make Contact

   1984 was a full year for him. 2010 wasn't really a blockbuster, but it did break about even and got nominated for 6 academy awards for its technical achievement. Lithgow had a supporting role as Dr. Walter Curnow, the man who designed the shuttle Discovery (from 2001; A Space Odyssey). He joins in the mission to investigate the events of the previous film. 2001 is a far superior film to 2010, but it is worth a watch. The scene that stands out for me the most is when Lithgow has to float from the Leonov to the Discovery to reactivate its systems. It's a very tense few minutes because of his fear of being in space for the first time. You really feel his claustrophobia and panic as it plays out. 

1985- Santa Claus: The Movie

  If you never saw this around Christmas as a kid, you missed out. I don't think its one you could watch for the first time now and think much of it. I always enjoyed it because Lithgow played his character, B.Z., as cartoonish as possible. If the villain in a kids' movie talks with a smarmy accent and has a cigar, you know he's the bad guy. I always thought candy canes that could make you fly would be fun, until the end of the movie when Lithgow finds himself in outer space (yet again). 

1986- The Manhattan Project

Here's one you can actually watch in full online. Basic plot, teenager (Paul) steals plutonium in an effort to build a nuclear bomb for his science fair in order to expose the weapons laboratory hiding in his hometown. A bit of a drastic solution. Lithgow plays Dr. John Mathewson, a scientist who works at the laboratory and is also dating Paul's mother. Paul is the star, but it's Mathewson's character who has the most growth by the end. I won't ruin the ending if you haven't seen it.

1987 - Harry and The Hendersons

 And finally, the list isn't complete without my favorite John Lithgow 80s' movie. It's the first one of his I saw in theaters. As a bigfoot fanatic, I loved the idea of finding one that was really nice and could basically be your pet. Lithgow plays the father in this one, with a lot more depth than you would usually see in a family film of this nature. I always got teary-eyed when Lithgow has to try and force Harry to return to the woods. I've seen this about a hundred times and its still as enjoyable as when I was a kid.

A Comparative Analysis of The Film Careers of Hulk Hogan and The Rock Part 2

Suburban Commando vs The Rundown

Hulk Hogan as Shep Ramsey

My neighborhood chum and I spent many saturdays renting Suburban Commando. Hogan transfers his acting talent from wrestler to alien. He comes from an alien race that also speaks english and struggles with male pattern baldness. This film was originally intended for Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito. They decided to do the Palm D' Or winning feature Twins. I can only dream about Arnold performing this scene:

If you watch the film closely, you can also see Christopher Lloyd's Back to the Future money running out.  

The Rock as Beck

His best movie so far. It's one of the better action star vehicles in the past ten years and I had hoped he would follow it up with even better work. I have nothing sarcastic to say about this one, which doesn't happen that often. Watch him in action:

The Rock - The Rundown
Uploaded by silentrock06

     Winner! The Rock as Beck

  Suburban Commando will always have a cheesy place in my heart, but The Rundown has baboons. 

Gremlins 2 vs Be Cool

Hulk Hogan as Hulk Hogan 

  

  Hogan is the only person who can play Hogan in one of the best cameos ever.

The Rock as Elliot Wilhelm

     I don't think it's ever a good idea to be in a movie with John Travolta in his post-Battlefield Earth career. Be Cool is a failed attempt at recapturing the success of one of Travolta's best characters.  The producers figured if they could fill the movie with as many celebrities as possible, no one would really care what was happening on screen. This movie began a string of misfires for The Rock. 

  Winner! Hulk Hogan as Hulk Hogan

      

       Future civilizations will look back Gremlins 2 as a benchmark in cinema while DVDs of Be Cool rot in a landfill. 

Mr. Nanny vs The Gameplan 

      Hollywood Math Problem: Tough guy + sassy children = $$$

Hulk Hogan as Sean Armstrong

   I'm guessing in the original script, the main character's name was probably like Sean Smith or Sean Harrison until Hogan signed on. . This time around he plays a "former" wrestler, which adds an extra angle of intense psychological drama. Childish pranks are played on Hogan in an effort to get in him touch with his own inner child and thus become a caring person. To counteract that mushiness it has Sherman Hemsley offering a blackjack and a lead pipe to children in order to take care of a bully.

 The Rock as Joe Kingman

     

   Another strategically placed tough guy name. Methinks I see a pattern. The Rock discovers he has a little girl. Childish pranks are played on Rock in an effort to get him in touch with his own inner child  and thus become a caring person. Hmmmm...where have I heard that before....? At least in this one the dog wears the ballerina outfit instead of the star.

  Winner!   Sherman Hemsley

          Stay Tuned for Part 3!

A Comparative Analysis of The Film Careers of Hulk Hogan and The Rock

The '80s ushered along the idea that if you were a professional wrestler, you could also be a professional actor. I grew up on Hulk Hogan movies, and now a new generation is growing up on Dwayne "No Longer The Rock" Johnson movies. I thought I would take a moment to compare their film careers and decide who comes out on top. Both men began their careers by making appearances in two different film franchises.....




Rocky III vs. The Mummy Returns

.

Hulk Hogan as

Thunderlips: The Ultimate Male

Somehow "Thunderlips" doesn't strike fear in me from someone who's supposed to be "The Ultimate Male". The granny panties don't help either. I would have enjoyed seeing more footage of arena security guards getting thrown around at a charity event. He does get bested by an 5'9 Stallone, who (with movie magic) throws him out of the ring. 

The Rock as

Mathayus: The Scorpion King

Kind of a kickass ring to it. Sort of invokes the idea of a man who commands the scorpions to do his bidding, Willard-style. That never happens though and it is a movie in the Mummy series. 

     Winner!   Mathayus: The Scorpion King

          Even though Thunderlips didn't have to sell his soul to Anubus in order to face Rocky, he is overshadowed by Clubber Lang in R3. The Rock is the only watchable part of Mummy Returns.

No Holds Barred vs The Scorpion King

Hulk Hogan as Rip

I assume as long as story pitches to Vince McMahon end with "and he's a wrestler" then the meeting is deemed successful. I do love this movie though. As a kid, I wanted to believe that I could one day be strong enough to burst out of the top of a limousine and fight the bad guys. I think the brilliance of this movie can be summed up with this scene. Hogan's acting is at its finest:

The Rock as

Mathayus: The Scorpion King

This time around, he's got his own movie. None of Stephen Sommers' cheesy direction and no Brendan Fraser yelling "I hate mummies". It's not a bad start for a action film career. You won't commonly see a wrestler in a business suit their first time out at the box office, so a loincloth film isn't out of the ordinary. It's a fun watch for FX on a Sunday. 

Winner!     Hulk Hogan as Rip

   I gotta call guilty pleasure on this one. No Hold Barred gets funnier and more absurd every time I watch it. I don't get as much out of Scorpion King. Also, I do believe Zeus would destroy Memnon in a fight.

                                                         

Stay Tuned for Part 2!   Suburban Commando vs The Rundown