My wife and I decided to go to the movie theater last night. We had been wanting to see the film The Artist for awhile, so we agreed on that one. We met at the Laemmle NoHo 7, a theater that just opened up in our neighborhood.
In case you are not aware, The Artist is a SILENT FILM. It's an homage to the early days of film and the transition into "talkies." I highly recommend it. If you haven't seen it, there is a spoiler that I've marked with a warning, so be advised.
After grabbing our seats, an older couple came in and sat down behind us. The lights went down and the movie started. For the next hour and forty minutes, my wife and I were subjected to the random outbursts from the woman behind us who reacted to the film as though she had never seen a movie before. Perhaps she thought these events were actually unfolding in front of her. Maybe she blacked out and thought she was in her living room. Either way, she had no business being at that screening.
I'm sure all of you have been at a screening at one time or another where some asshole just couldn't keep quiet. You can't imagine how much worse it is when its a SILENT FILM AND 100% OF THE FILM IS QUIET.
Every comment that came out of your mouth echoed throughout the silent theater:
1. I didn't need to hear every time you approved of how cute the dog was.
2. I didn't need to hear you tell your husband to "LOOK AT THE DOG!" Was your husband looking at the floor the whole time?
3. I didn't need to hear that you recognized that actor as the guy who played "Dawber" from Coach.
4. I didn't need you to narrate what was currently happening on screen. I was watching the same film you were. "Oh he's dancing" "Hey, they're back at the studio" "That's the guy who was in the other scene." "Hey, her mole."
5. I certainly didn't need to hear you speculate what was about to happen, and then be pleased when you were correct.
*BEGIN SPOILER* For all of you who've seen the movie, do you recall the scene where George wakes up in Peppy's house? He gets up for a moment, and then his dog takes off. The idiotic wench behind us loudly proclaims to her husband "Oh the dog is going to find all the stuff she bought!". *END SPOILER*
You know what? Thank you. I would rather have someone constantly telling me whats going to happen in a movie instead of actually enjoying seeing it unfold. Its a much better way to experience the movie. I wish I could bring you to comment on all the movies we go and see. Perhaps you could have told me Kevin Spacey was Keyser Soze before The Usual Suspects revealed it. I would not have had to sit through the whole movie. You are correct, movies take way to long to get to the point. I'm glad you were there reveal what was going to happen next, because I could not have waited the extra minute to have the story present it to me instead. It didn't say it on my ticket, but I'm sure Director Michel Hazanivicius intended for this to be an "audience interaction" style film.
I appreciate the intuitiveness you chose to share with me last night and I hope you were mauled by rabid dog on the way home. You know, like a Bullmastiff, where the owners had left town and kept him locked up and forgotten about him. He hadn't eaten for days and finally gathered the strength to dig under the fence. He's kind of lost his mind with hunger and doesn't remember the kindness of human contact and then he sees you walking down the sidewalk after leaving the theater. Yes, that's the kind I'm talking about.
If you survived the mauling, watch your movies at home and the public will thank you for it.
